Who Needs a Matchmaker?
Not everyone needs a matchmaker.
Actually, I think most people don't.
People fall in love in all kinds of ways.
Some meet in college and grow together from their early twenties. Some meet at church because they already share an important part of their values and community. Some are introduced by friends. Some meet at work, at a dinner, while traveling, or completely by accident.
Sometimes there is a romantic encounter that nobody could have planned.
Sometimes there really is love at first sight.
And of course, many people meet through dating apps.
If one of these ways works for you, that's wonderful. You probably don't need a matchmaker.
I don't think matchmaking should replace the natural ways people fall in love.
It exists for the people those ways aren't reaching.
Sometimes Your Life Simply Doesn't Introduce You to the Right People
I meet many people who have built very full lives.
They are busy building companies or careers. They may spend most of their time with colleagues, clients, business partners, or the same group of longtime friends.
Their social circle isn't necessarily small.
It may actually be very large.
But a large social circle and a large dating pool are not the same thing.
You might know hundreds of people and still rarely meet someone who is single, at the right stage of life, shares your values, and is someone you are genuinely interested in dating.
This is especially common as people get older and their lives become more established.
In college, meeting new people happens naturally.
At 35 or 40, your daily life may be very different.
You go to work. You see people you already know. You spend time with family and friends. You travel. You take care of everything that comes with adult life.
There may simply be fewer opportunities for a new person to enter your world.
Some People Have Time for a Relationship, but Not for the Search
Being busy is another reason people come to me.
There is an important difference between being too busy for a relationship and being too busy to constantly search for one.
A relationship requires time.
A matchmaker cannot change that.
But searching also requires time.
Dating apps require browsing, matching, messaging, screening, scheduling, meeting, and starting over when something doesn't work.
For someone focused on a demanding career or business, that process can become another job.
They are not asking someone else to fall in love for them.
They are asking for help with finding the people worth meeting.
Sometimes Your Existing Circle Has Reached Its Limit
Friends are still one of the best matchmakers in the world.
If your best friend says, “I know someone you should meet,” I think you should probably listen.
The problem is that friends only know who they know.
After a while, you may have met the eligible people in your immediate circles. Your friends may want to introduce someone, but nobody comes to mind.
That doesn't mean there is nobody right for you.
It may simply mean that person is outside your current network.
This is where I think professional matchmaking becomes interesting.
You are not only hiring someone to make an introduction.
You are entering another social network.
Choosing a Matchmaker Means Choosing Their Network
This is something people don't talk about enough.
Different matchmakers attract different people.
A matchmaker who has spent years working with entrepreneurs may naturally have more founders and business owners in her network.
Someone deeply connected to a particular cultural community may attract more people from that background.
Another matchmaker may work mainly with executives, Christians, Chinese Americans, young professionals, divorced parents, or people looking internationally.
Over time, every matchmaker develops a different community around them.
Their personality matters too.
Their values matter.
Their reputation matters.
Even the way they talk about relationships matters, because it influences who feels comfortable approaching them.
People tend to gather around people they trust and understand.
So when you choose a matchmaker, you are partly choosing the social world around that matchmaker.
This is why I don't think there is one “best matchmaker” for everyone.
There is a matchmaker whose network and way of seeing relationships may fit you better.
The Matchmaker Is Part of the Filter
This works in both directions.
You are deciding whether you trust the matchmaker.
The matchmaker is also deciding who belongs in her network.
Over time, this creates a certain type of community.
For me, matchmaking is not about collecting as many single people as possible.
I would rather know people.
Who are they?
What kind of life have they built?
What matters to them?
What are they looking for?
What kind of person might actually fit into that life?
That makes matchmaking very different from an open dating platform.
A dating app gives you access to its users.
A friend gives you access to their circle.
A church introduces you to a community.
A university gives you years of natural proximity to people at a similar stage of life.
A matchmaker gives you access to another kind of network — one that has been built intentionally around introductions.
None of these ways is automatically better.
They are simply different ways for two people to find each other.
So Who Needs a Matchmaker?
Maybe “need” isn't the right word.
You don't need a matchmaker to find love.
Most people never use one.
But you might choose one when the people you want to meet are not appearing naturally in your life.
Maybe your career has taken most of your attention.
Maybe your social circle is established but no longer introducing you to new people.
Maybe you have very specific values, cultural expectations, family goals, or lifestyle considerations.
Maybe dating apps work perfectly well, but you simply don't enjoy using them.
Or maybe you want to step into a different social circle and see who is there.
In that sense, choosing a matchmaker is less about admitting that you cannot find someone yourself.
It is simply another way of meeting people.
College was a network.
Church is a network.
Friends are a network.
Dating apps are networks.
And a matchmaker is a network too.
The difference is that there is a person in the middle who knows both sides and can say:
“I know someone I think you should meet.”